Imagine if someone loved you so well, that even when you were at your worst: cranky, horrible, frustrated, and unpleasant, and even if they didn't want to be around you AT ALL, they were able to just hold you, rock you, and softly touch your face.
This morning, Ria was terrible. Every "no" turned into a temper tantrum. Screaming at the top of her lungs, unable to calm herself down. For nearly a hour, I tried to speak patiently to her, I eventually lost my temper and yelled back, felt terrible and went to trying to soothe her again, all to no avail. For once, I was actually looking forward to the prospect of dropping her off at daycare.
We got in, and she was still gasping from the aftermath of her tantrum. I was running late, later than I've been before. I needed to get to work. But suddenly, I didn't care. I sat down on a tiny chair sized for toddlers, held her in my lap, rocked her and told her how much I loved her, and that everything was going to be okay. Before I left, she calmed down enough to be able to eat her breakfast.
I am so frustrated with my work in specific, and my life in general. I feel completely out of control, in trouble for things I have no control over. Pressured to do things a certain way by people. I don't deal well with feeling incompetent, incapable, and utterly lost.
I know, from experience, that the most innocent of mistakes have permanent consequences. I can't imagine being in a position where my weaknesses and ugliness shows, and having someone still want to hold me and love me.
But, for this morning, I was able to be that for my daughter. And that was almost as good.
