Drifting Mock Cable Scarf

Cast on 60 stitches with long-tail cast on. (or any structured not stretchy cast on.)

1-6: garter stitch, slip first stitch of each row

**7-16: s1, k5, *p4, k4* repeat 6 times, k6

17-26: s1, k7, *p4, k4* repeat 5 times, p4, k8

27-36: s1, k9, *p4, k4* repeat 5 times, p4, k6

37-46: s1, k5, p2, k4, *p4, k4* repeat 5 times, p2, k6**

Repeat ** until scarf is as long as you want it.

Final 6 rows (see note): garter stitch

Cast off with a long-tail bind off, (or any other structured cast off.) 

Block loosely, if desired.

Note: Count your cast off rows as part of the final 6 rows. 

Sunshine Cookies

Faded

The light spills out, warm:
a spot in darkness,
a pool of safety
gleaming bright against
the shadow-night world.

Laughter spills through
double-paned glass,
echoes of what
life could have been.

The cold wraps
around me
like a hug.

I breathe,
and then

turn.

Natural Yeast Sweet Rolls

Time: total rising time 8-10 hours, cooking time about 35 minutes

Makes: 12-13 rolls, one 9x13" pan

A Thousand

Life is a thousand needles falling,
wounding flesh.
Raining from heaven as
fiery darts,
they rend hope and shred faith.

Through days, they fall at times
hard or soft.
Never ending, they arrow to earth
in whispers,
becoming a soft pine bed of wisdom.

When it rains on a July day

When it rains on a July day,
they huddle their shoulders,
hide their children and their faces.

Focused on where they go,
they avoid where they are.

When it rains on a July day,
the air is hot and muggy,
crowding close as a subway stranger.

Filling their throats and lungs,
it pushes them to shelter.

When it rains on a July day,
I lift my eyes to the grey skies,
I take deep breaths of clean air.

The birds and I know that
when it rains on a July day,
it rains for me.

Fresh Pumpkin Pie

This recipe is adapted from other recipes. It is my favorite because it makes a smooth, dense filling with just the right flavor of pumpkin and spice.

Lemon Cream Cheese Pie

So this is another recipe I developed myself, loosely inspired by a layered lemon pudding dessert my mom used to make. You can use any crust recipe you like, but I suggest the nut crust. If you are in the tragic circumstances of possessing a nut allergy, pretzel crust works well, too. Any fresh lemon curd will work, but this microwave version is easy and fast.

Top Five Reasons I'll Never Marry

I'm not writing this to make a social commentary or anything, which is why it's here and not at my doctrinal blog. Even though I usually try to keep this one upbeat and light. I just needed to write out all the thoughts going through my mind, and this is the best place for me to write it outside of my handwritten journal (and it doesn't allow going back and refining ideas.) I've been going over the same problems until my brain is exhausted. Even with the "break from dating" which has been going on for two or three years, now, I still can't seem to give myself a break. Maybe if I quantify it all, I'll be able to let it go.

Experimental Mustard Dressing

Variation on standard honey-mustard dressing, because I was out of honey. Verdict? Tangy, but good. Maybe a touch more sugar, or only 1 Tbsp. vinegar? 2 Tbsp. brown sugar 2 Tbsp. white vinegar 2 Tbsp. Dijon mustard 2 Tbsp. olive oil 1 Tbsp. plain yogurt 1/2 tsp. salt (or to taste) 1/2 tsp. black pepper (or to taste) Blend in a small food processor until homogenous.

Twelfth Night

This year has been rough on me and my family. Moving as a single parent is not a picnic, particularly when the house you buy needs almost EVERYTHING replaced. With the parade of contractors and jam-packed painting, weeding, gardening, and the craziness of starting new schools and working out new commuter routes, we've had barely any time to do the fun little things I usually try to do with my kids.

Going to the theater in a town an hour away didn't really sound like much of a good idea, but it was my first real chance to do something fun with kids in a long time. Since they didn't have school the next day, I decided to go for it.

Sometimes in this world of special effects, surround sound, and TV-on-Demand, we forget that the true spirit of storytelling isn't in digital magic, but in the spirits and hearts of the storyteller and listeners. Telling a story person-to-person does more than entertain. It lets the story grow, shape itself to our lives and remind us why we live. Live theatre captures our imagination, and Twelfth Night at the Echo Theater in Provo is an example worth going out of your way to experience.

Picture a beautifully crafted stage, the colors a dreamlike mix of naturals and splashes of bright turquoise, burgundy, and yellow. Musical instruments are scattered around the stage. Music opens and closes the story. The lines are delivered in flawless Shakespearean English sprinkled with modern vernacular and phrasing.

Matthew Speer, playing Sir Toby, totally steals the stage. His "drunken" antics tie the whole typically-Shakespearian twisty plot into a smooth(er) thread. My 5- and 8-year-old couldn't stop laughing. Every movement and facial expression was skillfully and precisely sloppy. Sir Andrew (Parker Olson) plays a perfect conspirator. Feste was played by Robbin Ivie and Celene Anderson in a stroke of brilliance that harmonized the crazy flow of the entire play. I couldn't believe how they spoke simultaneously and handed the originally one-person lines back and forth without a single stumble.

While Sebastian (Carter Peterson) had absolutely no qualms about falling in with a strange (beautiful and rich) woman, his "other half" Viola/Cesario (Sarah Butler) portrayed enough qualms about the whole farce for both of them. My girls couldn't stop laughing, especially while Malvolio (Leah Hodson) read Olivia's (Sophie Determan) supposed love letter to her.

The director Eve Speer artfully brings the true spirit of Shakespeare solidly into the modern era. I'd be surprised if old William himself wasn't there to watch and applaud. I was so glad to take my kids. So long as you don't mind exposing them to the good-humored mild randiness that is the hallmark of Shakespeare's comedies, by all means take your whole family. Even my five-year-old wasn't bored for a moment, though she was sadly disappointed when it was over.

It was totally worth the drive.

Still Waters

When you don't know me,
my life seems peaceful.
I have a good house,
a good job.
Children who love me.

When you don't know me,
you see the bread I bake,
the quilts I make.

You see my knitting,
cooking, gardening,
hiking, praying,
teaching, hoping,
believing.

And you are jealous.

But you don't see
what lies beneath.
The tossing and turning
when I should sleep.

The nightmares that come
in night or day.
You don't see heartache
that never goes away
under the smile I
paint on for you.

You see all the pain
of your life,
and think that mine
must be much better
because I have learned
to smile when I want to cry.
Comfort when I want to be comforted.

You don't see how
my loneliness cannot find
what compassion creates.

How I have learned to hope,
when hope is darkest,
laugh when there is nothing funny
in life.

If you knew me,
you would see
the real things I have
accomplished.

How, when I despair,
I seek someone who needs
a hug.

When I ache,
I find another's wound
to bind.

And, pray for better
when I despair
of ever finding joy.

When you left...

When you left, you died.
But it wasn’t you.
It was what you could have been.
When you died,
My other children died.
The smiling faces which
Could have looked into mine.
The arms which could have
Wrapped around me.

When you left, you took
Your anger with you.
I found a new life,
One of joy and peace.
But not hope.
Because when you left,
You also took
My belief in myself.

When you left, I knew
That all of myself which
I had poured into you
Was gone.
I could make my life
New again,
But it would never be
What could have been.

When you left, you found
A new life for yourself
Someone who could shape herself
Into your shadow.
Someone who wasn’t me.
And I was glad
That I didn’t have
To be your shadow any more.

When you left, you left
The love I had tried to give you
The love I can no longer have
For anyone.
You left a new love.
My heart will never be
What it was.
It will be more.

The Garden

When I first saw you,
you were burned by summer sun,
tangled in ropes of bindweed
and choked by desert weeds.
I saw something of myself.

My biography was written
in earth-packed scars left where dogs
had raced the mail trucks
barking at strangers,
in the furrows of truck tires
left seasons ago to fill with weeds,
and in tattered remnants of
once-beautiful flower beds.

It was too much for me,
I had no way to heal you,
no water to bring life.
I turned away.

But after the winter cold
was warmed by the return of the sun
your fight thrust forth in
purple crocuses and yellow daffodils.
Hyacinth spread an indigo cloak
over the bindweed of last year,
bringing beauty and color
to what I thought was utterly gone.

I again saw something of myself,
life cracking the shell of ruin,
Needing no one else to nourish it
or recognize its beauty.

I still had no way to heal you,
no way to give what you needed,
but I fought with you,
because I needed you.
Clearing what was dead
to make way for what could still live,
I planted hope with the daisies
and joy with the marigolds.

Jalapeño Lime Cookies

The idea with these cookies was to elevate dessert to something more than plain sweet. Rather than spicy, I wanted these cookies to taste sweet and bright until the end of the bite when a subtle warmth hits your mouth. It took a ton of tests to make them come out just right, soft and chewy with a hint of warmth. Unfortunately, the judges liked their cookies chocolate and sweet. But I still think they are winners!

Jalapeño Lime Cookies

These chewy cookies require no electric mixers, making them perfect for little helpers. Their bright lime flavor melts on your tongue followed by a subtle, warm heat from the jalapeño reminiscent of summer days on the beach.

• 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• ½ tsp. salt
• 1 ½ cups sugar
• 8 ounces cream cheese
• 6 tbsp. unsalted butter
• 1 large egg
• 1 tbsp. lime juice
• 1-2 roasted jalapeños, seeds and skin removed and chopped finely
• 2 tsp. lime zest
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp. lime zest

Heat oven to 350°F, placing oven rack in middle position. Line 2 large baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place sugar in a large bowl, cut up the cream cheese into small pieces, place on top. Melt butter and, while still warm, pour over sugar and cream cheese. Whisk to combine. In a small food processor or blender, blend egg, jalapeño, lime juice, lime zest, and vanilla, whisk until smooth. Blend into cream cheese mixture. Set aside.

Whisk flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt together. With a rubber spatula, fold in cream cheese mixture until smooth. Do not overmix. Combine 1/3 cup sugar and 2 tbsp. lime zest. Divide dough into 24 equal pieces, roll each piece in lime sugar and form into balls. Flatten the dough into 2-inch circles. Bake one sheet at a time until edges are slightly brown, about 12 minutes. Cool 5 minutes, then cool on rack until room temperature.

Lime Sour Cream Glaze

• 1 tsp. lime juice
• 1 1/2 cup powdered sugar
• pinch of salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 Tbsp. sour cream

Meanwhile, combine lime juice, powdered sugar, salt and vanilla until smooth. Whisk in sour cream. When the cookies are cooled, drizzle icing over the top, and allow to harden before serving.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell Cupcakes

I've finally decided to share some of the recipes I've developed myself, starting with the cupcakes that won 3rd place in a Ghirardelli chocolate competition. I hope you enjoy!

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Cupcakes

Surprise! These cupcakes contain hidden zucchini and avocado: sweet chocolate cake, layered with earthy, rich chocolate mousse and topped with tangy white chocolate lime topping. For an even simpler version, just bake the cake in a 9x13” pan, layer with mousse and cream, chill, and cut to serve.

Sweet Dark Chocolate Cake

• 1 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• ¾ cups sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1/3 cup oil
• 4 oz. dark chocolate, melted
• 1 cup packed, grated zucchini

Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl, just till blended. Set aside. In a food processor, blend eggs, sugar, oil, vanilla, and zucchini until emulsified (no longer separates.) Fold egg mixture and chocolate into the flour and mix until just combined. Pour batter into 24 lined muffin cups, about ½ inch deep. Bake in a preheated 350°F oven until toothpick inserted into center comes out clean, about 20-30 minutes. Let cool completely in pan.

Rich Chocolate Mousse

• 1 avocado
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 1/2 tbsp. milk
• pinch salt
• 4 oz. semisweet chocolate, melted
• 1 ½ cup powdered sugar
• 1 cup heavy cream, whipped

Blend avocado, vanilla, milk, salt, chocolate, and powdered sugar in a food processor, spoon into cool metal bowl. Fold whipped cream into the avocado mixture with a rubber spatula. Spread over top of cupcakes, smoothing even with the pan rim. Chill until set, about 15 minutes. Heat a knife under hot water, run around edges of cakes and lift out.

Tangy White Chocolate Lime Topping

• 5 egg whites
• 1 ¼ cups sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 ¼ cups butter
• 1 tbsp. fresh lime peel, grated
• 4 oz. white chocolate, melted

Combine egg whites and sugar in metal mixer bowl. Place over a saucepan of simmering water, and whisk until sugar dissolves and mixture reaches 160°F. In stand mixer, whip on medium-low speed until mixture is cool, and mixture is stiff and glossy. While beating, add butter one tablespoon at a time. Beat until mixture is smooth and fluffy. Slowly add vanilla, lime peel, and chocolate. Pipe white chocolate topping onto the tops of the cupcakes.

Optional: For garnish, zest one lime into long, thin strips. Heat ¼ cup sugar and ½ cup water in saucepan until simmering, add lime zest, cook for about 10 seconds, remove from sugar water, and let sit on parchment paper, garnish cupcakes when cool.

A Redesign of Dating

Yes, I know this is probably a sign that I have too much time on my hands. Because of my visual nature, it sometimes helps to graph things out. Once I was done, I just had to laugh at myself. Once I started laughing, I had to share. Please note that this is just a diagram of silly thoughts of mine. Please don't take it too seriously, or think I'm supposed to be making some wise philosophical point or judgment call on the merits of one over the other. Everyone's different. Some of us are just more different than others. So here it is: The Common Practice of Dating (as a flowchart.) You'll probably have to view it full sized to read it.

Now, this is just how I've observed people's expectations. It's not supposed to show how dating actually happens. I doubt most people think of it like this, anyways. It's just what I've noticed when people talk about dating, relationships, and moving forward.

I think of things strangely. Most of the time, I blend pretty well, but sometimes it really smacks me across the face. Dating is one of those face-smacking parts of culture that I just don't get. This next flowchart is diagramming how I think a good relationship should develop. It has pretty much the same end points, but the process is wildly different. Again, remember this is just for fun. It's not supposed to say that my way is better or anything. If anything, it's just a sign of how strange I really am. [Edit: I cut it into two pieces to make it more viewable.]

Now, I don't get many of you reading this blog. It's kind of my own "mommy blog" where I get to let my hair down, get off the doctrinal topics and just let a little more of the whole me out to play. But if you do see this, let me know what you think! Analyze these things. That's what makes life interesting, right?

False Gifts

she seeks
to give gifts
but unwanted
is no gift at all
just a prisoned cage made
with bars of obligation
resentment and fear
so she ceases
unbound and
lonely

Beauty Hollow

She stands, a proud and hollow tree

grown through both foul and fair,

ring and root laid on by time

through sorrow, joy, and care.

Upright yet through wind and storm

while floods have raged around,

still she endures the savage wrath, 

her roots stretch, deeply bound.

Surviving water, quake and fire

her secret heart abides:

all while the smallest foes assail

the rot her beauty hides.

A wonder to the few who see:

majestic, strong and tall,

for all the wounded core within,

she, aching, gives her all.

'Til on a softer, warmer day

Unwarned, the sparrows sing

within her green-crowned branches,

as winter yields to spring.

None will hear the sudden crack.

The sparrows, frightened, fly.

Alone with butterflies and bees,

her trunk splits ground to sky.

Torn below the blue-lit sky,

she lies fallen, dark and black.

Life pauses for a moment

within her gaping crack.

Strength and beauty slowly fade,

as tender green now creeps.

To earth she softly crumbles. 

Past striving, now she sleeps.

Tomato Tessellations

I was eating lunch and was suddenly struck by the perfect pattern in the skin of my heirloom tomato. The picture doesn't really do it justice. There is something fragile and beautiful about the detail that no one will ever really notice. That has always impressed me about this world. So much that was created in it has nothing to do with us humans.

Incidentally, I'm really going to miss delicious tomatoes when this season is over.